sometimes it's as if i'm wandering through a snowdrift, so much sameness surrounds me. time passes, slowly, quickly, but it's hard to focus for there isn't anything to see. there are some peaks to this, moments of change, little, big, a frenzied happening. but then the whiteness of regularity engulfs me again. i wonder what i ever did with my life, how many opportunities i walked by in the snow, unrecognizable. there's comfort in the snow, the sameness. but i yearn, i yearn to find a place, build a nest, nurture my creative side. show that side to the world. but it's hard. i have yet to gather the strength to force change, just letting it pull me as if in a current. i want to reach out, to help myself to shore. but there's always something that holds me back from making the tough choices, the hard road, climb the ladder into unknown territory. but i want. i distract myself with my wantings. as if to say, here take this easy gift, forget the deeper one. the one which is more than a material wanting. the gift one gives oneself when you find what you're capable of. when you seek and jump; into the unknown, into the world, into what terrifies you in the deep wanderings of your mind. maybe this will be my year, maybe i am almost ready. i hope to find the signpost in the snow. to know which direction to go to seek myself. hopefully.

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