creativity in the face of the dismals

well, what have you been up to anastasia? hmm, maybe not as much as i thought. you'd think being jobless would free up a lot of time to just focus. but then you want to buy the materials with which you've envisioned a piece, and find that there is a downside to being without a job; a serious lack of funds. then you think, "what about that stock of stuff i've been building up for the last few years?", and you find that your tastes have changed somewhat.

or perhaps, i just like the thrill of ordering something, the suppressed excitement of knowing that something is in the mail, the joy of finding a package waiting for you on the doorstep, the exhilaration of opening a box, and admiration, which lasts ever so slightly in the passage of time, of your new acquisition before the urge to order something else takes hold of your senses. ugh. i think i have a problem. or, rather, an addiction. join the club.

then, there's other things which arrive in the mail which aren't so welcome; bills. with the lovely bit of financial reality i receive in the mail every month, i'm beginning to realize that i can't be as free with my heart's desires, that the old piggy bank ain't giving out one more dime. i could be over come with bleakness and dive into a deep pit of despair and depression, or, i could start looking closer to home for material to work with. you know, *cough* the cats, or something.

which brings me to my latest undertaking, spinning cat fiber yarn! i'm calling it turkish van fiber. sounds fancy, huh? well, they are decadently soft, these two kitties of mine. and they really love getting combed, plus they come in three colorways, auburn, black, and white, which mixes up to a greyish yarn color once carded. so, i've spun the cat hair onto a bobbin, and plied it with wool left over from my felting days (which weren't all that many now that i'm being honest with myself), and created a lovely mottled french grey yarn which is surprisingly soft.

i'll admit it though, i really enjoy spinning, and keep wistfully gazing at the pages of ox, alpaca, linen, peace silk, vicuna, qivuit, and guanaco fiber available these days on the internet. but, thankfully for my sagging wallet, i haven't pressed the purchase button yet. sigh. i want a job. a workroom assistant to a costume designer would be nice, or to work in a couture house sewing by hand for hours, or attaching sequins to a stage outfit, any of those would cause me to hyperventilate with happiness. oh, i don't know, one can dream i guess.

...

sometimes it's as if i'm wandering through a snowdrift, so much sameness surrounds me. time passes, slowly, quickly, but it's hard to focus for there isn't anything to see. there are some peaks to this, moments of change, little, big, a frenzied happening. but then the whiteness of regularity engulfs me again. i wonder what i ever did with my life, how many opportunities i walked by in the snow, unrecognizable. there's comfort in the snow, the sameness. but i yearn, i yearn to find a place, build a nest, nurture my creative side. show that side to the world. but it's hard. i have yet to gather the strength to force change, just letting it pull me as if in a current. i want to reach out, to help myself to shore. but there's always something that holds me back from making the tough choices, the hard road, climb the ladder into unknown territory. but i want. i distract myself with my wantings. as if to say, here take this easy gift, forget the deeper one. the one which is more than a material wanting. the gift one gives oneself when you find what you're capable of. when you seek and jump; into the unknown, into the world, into what terrifies you in the deep wanderings of your mind. maybe this will be my year, maybe i am almost ready. i hope to find the signpost in the snow. to know which direction to go to seek myself. hopefully.

it's like a pea under my mattress

there's something i'm a tad bit irritated by. it's the severe lack of current fantasy "save the world" movies starring a strong female lead, aka a heroine. every time i begin to watch a movie clip that looks halfway interesting, it turns out to be overrun by young males going on magical questing adventures while their love interest girlfriend gets to be saved and amazed by their new powers. blech.

you can't say "because there aren't any popular books with strong female leads being written". that's not true. there's the books about jacky faber, or betsy in the undead series, any one of robin mckinley's books, or the works of patricia mckillip, anne mccafrey, and of elizabeth moon. they're there if you bother to ask anyone who isn't a middle aged male director where they are.

i can count on my one hand the amount of big budget fantasy films which were made in the last several years which have a strong staring female role who can save themselves thank you very much; alice in wonderland, underworld, pan's labrynth, the work of hayao miyazaki, coraline, v for vendetta. okay. maybe two hands. but still.

the ones with a leading cast of mostly males? there's the lightning thief, the sorcerer's apprentice, harry potter, transformers, star trek, the lord of the rings, star wars, the current batman franchise, spiderman, eragon, how to train your dragon, iron man, where the wild things are.

one's which were thankfully balanced; avatar, crouching tiger hidden dragon, pirates of the caribbean, x-men franchise, narnia franchise.

i love to watch and read science fiction and fantasy. i'm a woman. can't i have any awesome fantasy movies with strong female leads on the silver screen i can relate to and feel empowered by? i shouldn't just be stuck in the history department (though all those real women are awesome, and when are they going to do a movie about catherine the great?).

oh, and i loved the new alice, wacky wardrobe and all. it was visually amazing, highly creative, and more true to the books then most portrayals.